no no, thats far too comical to be an expletive

It was about 7 or 8 in the evening, my korean friend and i were enjoying some roast beef on bread in my living room. Both of us were intertwined (respectively) in our roast beef, and thus the conversation was non-existent at best. For what must have been minutes, we sat there, staring at the spiral cut fries and burnt buns that made up our meal. This contentious boredom was soon replaced by the ever present diffusion of rational thought unto conversation. The problem was that i was hungry and not in the best mood for such a conversation, and my counterpart was not the most cunning of linguists.

"so......... are you an arby's fan now, Manny?" my friend inquired after swallowing, i paused for a few seconds (which i masked by thinking, when, in fact, i needed time to chew). i then blurted out:
"i got 2 words for you, and the second one is nope."
after a substantial pause, i heard
".....what was the first word?"
" 'hmmm' "
i felt strangely victorious at this injunction, conversation had proverbially prairie-dogged into my roast beef delirium, and just when it poked its beady little eyes out of the deep well from which it was entrenched, i hit it over the head with the whack-a-mole mallet, sending it spiraling back from whence it came.


20 seconds later i regretted my actions.

Feliz Navidad is probably the catchiest song ever written.

It was about 3:15 in the afternoon when my friend from the Koreas, i had finally began to trust my former adversary the clock when he arrived, also an important milestone in my otherwise unimportant day.
"Emmanuel, my old friend, it has been a while"
"yeah."
i'm not one for conversations, and i equally hate writing the minutes of them, so here's the gist:
we decided to leave my shithole.

Our destination was at this point unclear. What was clear, was that my korean counterpart does not understand american music. Apparently, all they have of our culture in their inoperable brain tumor of the world is christmas music, and he listens to it in june. At about milepost 3 on the christian birthday superhighway, i wanted to murder the man who invented christmas. i began to get ornery. at milepost 5, i converted to buddhism. I am yet to experience the buddhist equivalent of "jingle bell rock."

The Duke of Gook apparently makes housecalls

The incessant beeping was nothing less than merciless. I stared at the hideous light box that read 3 numbers. i saw them. i knew that these were nothing new, these were simple digits that i had seen before. what i didn't know was what the fuck this awful siren was trying to tell me. The noise threw me into a rage strangely shakespearean (i.e. "OUT, OUT DAMN SPOT!"). i began to beat the hell machine while questioning its validity. I must have struck a chord somewhere, for when i landed a blow it finally shut the fuck up. Again i slept.

It felt like noon when i woke up, but it turned out to be after that specific meridian. i was again awoken rudely, but after my last altercation, i was ready for it. the phone was ringing, of this i was sure. it took me a minute to realize that beating the phone would not work, but alas, i should answer it. this turned out to be in my best interest, because on the other line, was a man i knew quite well. it was my friend the prime minister, who had called to say he was in town for "a spell, and just wanted to know what you want me to pick you up from arby's on my way over to your place." my response was the typical "what the fuck do they sell at arby's?!"

Sacrilege at the hands of mexico/varsity football

I read something distressing today. Apparently, an altercation broke out at a high school in small town oregon. Now this is normally not news. What makes it news isn't that it was allegedly racially charged, or even that it involved members of a varsity sports team. No, what makes this so shocking, is where it happened.

Dodgeball. We've all played it. We've all had our share of rubber spheres to various painful points on our bodies, but rarely does such an attack result in any sort of real life parallel. Sure it may sting to take a 4-square ball to the nose, but when do you feel personally insulted by it? I'll tell you when, you feel it when you've crossed the line between recess and reality.

Thank god i didn't rape that prisoner.

Do you ever feel regret? how about the opposite of regret........i guess that would just be gret. i define gret as thanking god every morning that you did something that changed your life. For me, my largest "gret" was in the jungles of 'nam in 1969. We were escorting a load of prisoners (hostages.) from one shitty village to another one, some of the soldiers were getting bored and doing unspeakable things to our captives. Its not so much as i found this "morally unacceptable under any circumstances and furthermore i believe you men to be the dregs of society," but really i just thought it was kind of gross. Naturally i did all i could to put a stop to this reprehensible behavior (told them to stop it.). This may not seem like a big deal, but it turns out one of our prisoners remembered this deed when he became prime minister of South Korea. He tracked me down after all those years and granted me a prosthetic arm in place of the one i lost, and not just any prosthetic arm, one made by the government, this arm was not joking around. while being lifelike (although really shiny), it had certain....modifications (karate chop action). This has produced my livelihood and made me the man i am today. So i guess the moral of this is that when you find something to be particularly disgusting, speak up, and someday you too might find yourself rolling in gret.

Pilot Post

Hi. i'm not one for long ass goodbyes or anything, so it stands to reason that i suck at introductions too (for those of you still trying to figure that reason out, leave this website immediately). I'm sure all of you want me to go in-depth describing myself, but that is something i simply can not do. what i can do, is tell you my name, which happens to be Emmanuel, although i'm usually referred to as Vietman. Now i know you're thinking so far that this is an atrocity of a post and a complete waste of your time and that i keep interjecting your thoughts for you, but you have to understand (and you do) that this is the first post, the pilot post, and therefore is legally obligated (no bullshit) to suck.

a piece of history about myself: i was drafted and fought in vietnam, i recieved the purple heart for my injuries. my injuries amounted to the loss of my beloved left arm. Do not worry, for not long after i received a prosthetic arm installed with karate-chop action, which has produced my livelihood. also i hate sharks (i'm sure that will come back to bite me in the ass, but whatever, i fucking hate them).